The Weekly Gryffindor
by Helen Weasley
Summary: Fred and George Weasley, Chel BlackLupin, and Helen Pemberton make a Gryffindor newspaper. Based in the year of the Goblet of Fire
1. issue 1

**The Weekly Gryffindor**

Volume 1, Issue 1

The Quidditch World Cup

By Fred Weasley

This year, Britain hosted the Quidditch World Cup, so naturally, I got to go. The game was amazing; the final score was Bulgaria: 160, Ireland: 170. Ireland won, but Krum got the Snitch. I don't think he could even see the scoreboard, the idiot.

There was quite a bit of excitement after the game, as well. A bunch of Death Eaters (including Lucius Malfoy, according to Harry Potter) decided to torch the campsite and torture Muggles. They all fled, however, when the Dark Mark was shot up into the sky. Who did the spell? No one knows yet, though Barty Crouch's (who works somewhere in the Ministry of Magic; who cares where) House Elf who goes by the name of Winky was seen with Harry Potter's wand, which had been the one to cast the spell. Barty Crouch reportedly gave Winky clothes the minute he saw this.

Hermione Granger says this about Barty giving Winky clothes: "It's not fair for Winky. She didn't do anything wrong; and now she's a mess. She didn't cast the spell, all she did was pick up Harry's wand that fell out of his pocket…" She went on for a while still after this, but it was all so dull, I figured you'd fall asleep by reading it.

More on who cast the spell as the story develops.

An Interview with a Weasley Twin:

By George Weasley

George: I'm here with the infamous Weasley twin – Fred. Now, Fred, is it true that you're going out with one Chel Black-Lupin?

Fred: Yes, you know that, stupid. Everyone knows that.

George: Of course _I_ do. Anyway, what is your advice to anyone wanting to become a great prankster like you?

Fred: Be yourself, but buy my products.

George: Your products? Fred, no one knows about those Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes yet…

Fred: Oh, right…uh…buy those things that you'll find out about eventually…once we get the money to make them.

George: What is this obsession of yours with pickles?

Fred: That's your girlfriend's obsession.

George: Yeah, yeah…Colin Creevy, 3rd year, wants to know, "Do you like knowing Harry Potter personally?" What the crap kind of question is that? Oi. A new question – from Ron Weasley, nah, I'm not even going to read it. He's a stupid git.

Fred: No, read Ronnie's.

George: laughter Ok, then. From little Ronald Weasley, 4th year, "How does it feel to be related to Percy, the biggest git in the history of mankind?"

Fred: It sucks. Next question.

George: From Chel Black-Lupin, 6th year. "What kind of chapstick do you want me to buy?"

Fred: Cherry vanilla. It's the only one that doesn't actually taste like chapstick, and why would anyone else want to know that?

George: From Fred Weasley, 6th year. Hey, you can't ask yourself – eh, why not? "Why must I be asked all these stupid questions?"

Fred: That was a question for you, I think, George.

George: Fine, this interview's over.

Ask Chel

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

Can you get Helen to stop setting me up? It's really getting annoying. And Ron and Hermione are getting annoyed with her telling them that they're meant to be and they're going to get married and have 12 kids.

-The Boy Who Got Annoyed.

Dear Boy,

No can do. I completely agree with her. And you need to be set up! How about Ginny Weasley? We all know she has a little thing for you.

Dear Chel,

I really like this guy, but he likes another girl, and I have a boyfriend that I don't really like who also likes another girl, but she likes another guy who likes me. What should I do?

-In a Bermuda Love Triangle

Dear Bermuda,

Go star in a soap opera. Your love life's too complicated to be real. Or, move to Australia. That always works. All your problems are solved.

Dear Chel,

I really want pickles. I like pickles. Where can I get some pickles?

-Wanting

Dear Wanting,

Go eat a pickle, then, Helen, and stop bugging me about it.

Dear Chel,

I really like to play pranks, but no matter how many I do, I get a detention. How can I keep doing them, but not get detention?

-Annoyed with Detention

Dear Annoyed,

Don't be so stupid. Plus, half the point of doing pranks is getting caught, cause who cares about what happened if nobody knows it was you?

Dear Chel,

I really like this girl that I'm going out with, but I'm not sure that she likes me back. What should I do?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

You're not going out with soap-opera-girl, are you?

Dear Chel,

My girlfriend suddenly has a really weird pickle fetish. She won't stop talking about them. How can I get her to stop being so obsessed with them?

-Getting a little scared

Dear Getting,

George, its _Helen_. If you can't remember, she goes through these little phases often. It'll pass. If you're _really_ annoyed, then just start to snog her every time she even mentions pickles. That'll get her to stop.

Dear Chel,

You want to go to Hogsmeade with me?

-Desperate for you

Dear Desperate,

NO.

Dear Chel,

A certain Gossip Columnist for a newspaper I won't mention caught me and a certain boy snogging in a hallway that was deserted until they came along. What should I do to keep this person quiet about it?

-Caught

Dear Caught,

Who cares? Snog the boy of your affection anywhere you'd please. And, I don't think that Helen's going to keep her mouth shut about it. I've seen her column for this week, and it mentions something about it.

The Lion's Mouth

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

This past week was the first week of school, and students everywhere are hating this "new" thing called homework. Who would have thought that teachers would hand out homework on the first day? _I_ definitely thought we just got to mess around at school! No homework, or classes, just pranks!

There's something great happening at the school this year: The Triwizard Tournament. Fred Weasley entertained us all by shouting out "You're joking!" when Dumbledore told us this at the feast. Thanks for that Fred, but George is still the hotter one, in my opinion. If you're 17 or older, you can enter. But we all know of a few other people who are underage who will try to get in anyway….

Draco Malfoy, a Slytherin (a.k.a.: evil slimy git), was turned into a pure white ferret this week. Harry Potter was on the scene, and said that it was hilarious, and that Draco's acting a little twitchy now. He is now frightened of Moody, who was the one who turned him into a ferret.

This week's romance: Me and George Weasley are still together, of course; Fred Weasley and Chel Black-Lupin are also still an item; and who's going out with Harry Potter? Still no one! Come on, people! He's a little hottie, _and _he's the boy who lived! Don't you all want him? My question is what's going on with Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger? Is it just me or do they seem a little _too_ friendly to each other? Katie Bell was seen snogging Lee Jordan in an "empty" hallway 2 days ago, but no sightings since then.

Harry + A Ravenclaw love? This writer has heard little mumblings of Harry liking a Ravenclaw. Who's the lucky girl? Luna Lovegood – let's hope not. I don't know many Ravenclaw girls (although I should, I am a Ravenclaw) but I'm guessing it's a pretty little girl who's close to his year.


	2. issue 2

The Weekly Gryffindor Volume 1, Issue 2 Mad-Eye Moody By Fred Weasley 

I'm here with the guy who's gotten out there, who knows his stuff, who's seen everything. Our newest DADA teacher, Professor Moody.

Fred: We asked students to write in questions for you, so here's one from Lavender Brown, 4th year: "Shouldn't that eye be outlawed? It's so _creepy_." Scoffs What a wuss.

Moody: No, it shouldn't. It helps me maintain constant vigilance!

Fred: From Natalie McDonald, 1st year, "Was being an Auror fun?" Wow, what a great question…. (This was said sarcastically)

Moody: Being an Auror…yeah, which part do you think was more fun, watching others getting hurt or watching myself getting hurt?

Fred: George Weasley, 6th year, "Did you kill anyone? How about Voldemort? Did you ever hurt him?"

Moody: No, I never hurt Voldemort. Not that I can remember. voice goes quiet and a little creepy I can't answer the rest.

Fred: ooh…cool. Um, Helen Pemberton, 6th year, "Is there any possible way you could get Snape kicked out of the school? That'd be really great if you could."

Moody: No, I can't. Only Dumbledore can do that.

Fred: Dennis Creevy, 1st year, "How did you get that eye and can I get me one?"

Moody: grumbles

Fred: I think that's a "NO," Dennis. Harry Potter, 4th year, "Will you _please _change Malfoy into a ferret again and make it permanent this time?" Ha ha! Sounds good to me….

Moody: I can't, Dumbledore won't let me. Sorry, Potter, just maintain constant vigilance!

Fred: Padma Patil, 4th year, "Have you _ever_ had a girlfriend? Like, ever?"

Moody: Yes, why does that matter? All you need to care about is CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Fred: Katie Bell, 5th year, "Why are you so obsessed with saying 'constant vigilance'?"

Moody: You need to remember it, it's very important. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Fred: That's all the time we have for today, go to Moody's classes and don't forget to have constant vigilance!

S.P.E.W – What is this crap? By George Weasley 

I've decided to interview Hermione Granger, the founder of this new thing called spew. Now, what exactly is spew?

Hermione: It's not _spew_, you're as bad as Ron is! It's S.P.E.W, and it stands for the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare.

George: Oookaay, then. Isn't that a bit of a weird, long name?

Hermione: well, I was going to call it Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status – but it wouldn't fit on the badges.

George: eyebrows raised You were going to call it SOAOFMCCCLS? Wow, I was right. You _are _insane.

Hermione: I am _not_ insane! I just care about our fellow magical creatures, that's all.

George: and that fits in my definition of insane. Is it true that it actually _costs_ to join?

Hermione: Yes, that buys a badge. The proceeds fund our leaflet campaign.

George: Have people actually joined? Is anyone as insane as you are _to _join?

Hermione: Just Ron and Harry.

George: So no one's joined?

Hermione: I just told you, Ron and Harry have.

George: no one who you didn't force has joined.

Hermione: Um…I didn't _force_ them.

George: _Riiight…_I think that's all I can stand talking to you about this.

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I know I'm a Gryffindor, but I'm totally in love with a Slytherin…his name's Gregory Goyle and I want him so bad. Most think he's ugly and stupid, but I think he's adorable. How can I get him without people to think I'm crazy for it?

-In Love with an Outcast

Dear In Love,

There's no way you can get him without people thinking you're crazy. You need psychological help. Go to George Weasley, he's doing something with that for his column, helping people out. Most of his remedies tell you to dive into a jar of jelly naked, or to moon Snape, so I wouldn't really recommend going to him. It's just a suggestion.

Dear Chel,

I think I'm in love with a Weasley! Help!

-Thinking I'm Going Crazy

Dear Thinking,

Which Weasley? If it's Percy, then you're definitely crazy; if it's Fred, then you'll have to answer to me; and if it's George, you'll have to answer to Helen. She does a good old-fashioned Muggle Butt-kicking. Watch out for her. If it's Ron, go for it. He needs a little action.

Dear Chel,

I know who your dad is. I have blackmail pictures. Watch out for me, I'll get you…

-Watch Your Back

Dear Watch,

This is an advice column, not a threatening column. Besides, my dad is Sirius Black. Who cares? He's innocent anyway.

Dear Chel,

I want to enter the Triwizard Tournament, but I'm worried I'll get hurt. I'm seventeen and I'd be able to do some spells, but I don't know how long I'd last. Should I really enter or should I leave it to the people who'll be able to do it?

-Wimp

Dear Wimp,

Move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I like this guy, but my friend told me to just leave him alone and go out with other guys, and he might notice me. Do you think that'll actually work?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

If you're stalking him, it might help to stop. Your friend is right. Be more yourself around him, and he'll notice you. It should work. If it doesn't, just grab him and kiss him one day, see what he does.

Dear Chel,

Why do you tell people to move to Australia?

Dear Person who left no name,

Cause I feel like it.

The Lion's Mouth 

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

Nothing of the romantic sort has happened with Lee Jordan and Katie Bell since spotted kissing in the deserted hallway. On another romantic note, people are starting to say _I'm _the Ravenclaw that Harry Potter fancies. I'M HIS COUSIN, PEOPLE, EW.

Hermione Granger has started annoying people in a new way with this thing called S.P.E.W. for more information on it, read George Weasley's article on it.

George and I have been spotted having a few rows, but stop talking about it, okay? There's _nothing _wrong. We're still happy. Nothing bad has gone on. The only reason why this is _in_ the gossip part of the Weekly Gryffindor is because people are talking about it. STOP, please.

Some Slytherins have been seen wearing nothing but their underwear to classes. A practical joke? I think I know who's behind it, and it'll only get funnier before it stops. Especially with Snape. That's all I can say on _that _subject.

Who's leaving socks all over the common room? Well, I know whom, and I can't tell you. Ha ha ha…. Bet you can't guess. I'll give you a hint. No, I won't. But they're not the people's socks who are doing the joke. They're being stolen. So if you're missing socks, they're in the common room somewhere. Don't know if you want to put them on, though. Don't know what jinx's have been put on them, do you?

Lavender Brown and Seamus Finnigan have been spotted snogging all over the common room. My sources say that they've been dating for a while.


	3. issue 3

The Weekly Gryffindor Volume 1, Issue 3 Recent Pranks By Fred Weasley 

I have been accused by some of making the Slytherins wear nothing but underwear, and Snape wearing sparkly pink boxers. These accusations are unjust. I'd _never_ tell the house elves to steal all the Slytherin robes and dye Snape's boxers pink and to glue sequins to them, _never. _How dare you say it's me? I've been laughing about it, of course. Whoever did it is brilliant. To make Snape wear those boxers, and make his robes disappear in the middle of class, ingenious. Wonderful. Whoever it was, let me know, I'd like to learn a lesson from you.

I will admit, however that I am behind the socks in the common room prank. That was all Lee Jordan, George, and I. They made your feet shrink, which is why many of you reading this are in the hospital wing. Not all of them made your feet shrink, of course. Some made you have really bad planter warts, made your hands break out in boils if you touched them. We're all still rolling around laughing about it. Enjoy your warts, boils, and new small feet!

There have been people turning into canaries all around the Common Room. If you want to know why, eat a Canary Cream. They're delicious. Only cost seven sickles each, and that's quite a bargain.

Therapy By George Weasley 

I've been giving some therapy to those who ask for it. Here's my research:

George-Hey, you!

Sara, a 1st year-Huh? What do you want?

George-Do you need some therapy?

Sara-Not really.

George-come on, you know you do.

Sara-Ok, I guess you could help me.

George-What do you need help with?

Sara-I keep having-

George-Hold on, you're not laying down on the couch.

Sara-Is that better?

George-You're on the couch, and it's all set up like real therapy, so yes, that's better.

Sara-Anyway, I keep having this recurring dream that Professor Flitwick kills Dumbledore.

George-Well, you could stop these dreams if you took a bath in butter.

Sara-WHAT? How would _that_ help me?

George-Who's the therapist?

Sara-Uh…

George-Me.

Sara-Oh. Right.

George-That's my advice. Go take a bath in butter. But only on a night with a full moon, with a potato in your right hand.

Sara-I think I know someone else who needs therapy.

George-Your session is over. Leave. Hermione! You _definitely_ need therapy!

Hermione-No, I don't.

George-We can uncover those weird feelings you have for my younger brother…

Hermione-I don't know what you're talking about…Chel's the one who likes Fred, not me. Besides, I'm busy. Leave me alone.

George-Your loss! Helen, how about you?

Helen-Yeah, sure.

George-Please lay down on the couch.

Helen-Whatever.

George-So, what's up?

Helen-Well, I have this boyfriend who's being a gi-

George-Oh, uh, we're done. No more therapy today!

Helen-Whatever, you're such a pansy.

George-No other problems?

Helen-Well, my boyfriend's acting weird right now….

George-Let's stop talking about this odd boyfriend of yours.

Helen-Well, I thought you'd _want _to, I mean, you love yourself, right?

George-We're done now. Session's over. I can't help you with your problem. Sorry.

Helen-Fine, I'll leave then.

George-Wait! I _do_ have something that'll help you with this irksome boyfriend of yours.

Helen-Right.

George-A pickle.

Helen-Sorry, pickles are out to get me, according to Fred. I can't go near them.

George-Well, there is another option. You can go pull down Snape's pink boxers and see what's under them.

Helen-EW! GEORGE! IF YOU WANT TO KNOW, _YOU_ GO DO IT! I WAS WILLING TO TELL THE HOUSE ELVES TO DYE-

George-Helen, let's not tell everyone who's responsible for that little prank.

Helen-Right. We have no idea who did it.

George-No idea whatsoever.

Helen-No remedy for an irksome boyfriend, then?

George-I think snogging with him will do.

Helen-No, I don't think so.

George-I am _shocked_. No one would _ever_ turn _that _down.

Helen-I just did. Do you think eating a gallon of ice cream will help?

George-And a box of Chocolate Frogs.

Helen-What, you want me to get fat?

George-You have a good metabolism. No worries.

Helen-How bout a real remedy?

George-Ok, fine. Go swimming, naked, in a huge jar of jam.

Helen-Laughs You wish.

George-Fine, walk away….anyone else need therapy?

Some random person-Not from _you_!

George-I think I'm done for today.

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

Why are guys such idiots?

-Pissed off

Dear Pissed,

Move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

Someone pantsed Snape in the middle of my potions class 3 days ago, and I can't get the image of the pink sequinned boxers out of my head! Will you help me rid of this disturbing image?

-Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,

Use a memory charm, and just be happy they didn't make his sparkly undies disappear as well, like their original plan. We'd all be needing a memory charm. Shudders

Dear Chel,

Do you think that Lee Jordan would go out with me?

-Wanting a hottie

Dear Wanting,

Why don't you _ask him_?

Dear Chel,

Why does Harry Potter have such a weird scar on his head?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Helen, go back to the Ravenclaw common room if you're fighting with George, and stop bugging me.

Dear Chel,

I'm _not _fighting with George!

-Helen

Dear Helen,

Yes, you are. Now stop denying it, and go make up with him. What did he do anyway – never mind, I don't even want to know. I don't care. Leave me _alone_. You get to be really annoying when you're pissed at George.

Dear Chel,

I still love Gregory Goyle! I'm thinking about asking him out, should I?

-Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Ew, what kind of a Gryffindor are you to like a nasty, evil, slimy git like him? Go ahead and ask him out if you'd like to be shunned.

Dear Chel,

My feet have shrunken and suddenly have warts on them! All I did was put on my socks that were left out in the common room! What should I do?

-Freaked out

Dear Freaked,

Go to the hospital wing, and try to follow along with the pranks going on. If you had been listening, you'd know that Fred and his pals, including me, put hexes on and jinxed all of the socks that we stole and put in the common room. Don't trust things like that when pranks are going on.

Dear Chel,

I no longer love Gregory Goyle. I'm starting to like what I saw when a certain professor's robes disappeared in class the other day, though. Is there something wrong with me?

-In love with Slytherins

Dear In Love,

Yes, there's something wrong with you! I'm not kidding – get therapy!

The Lion's Mouth

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

Lee and Katie are at it again! They were spotted by one Chel Black-Lupin in his dormitory. I talked to Katie, and they've been going out since the beginning of the year. They're so secretive. What the heck?

I've been trying to get Hermione to join my S.P.E.W, but she won't go for it! My S.P.E.W is Smelly Prefect Expulsion Wanted. Help expel all the prefects that suck! Join today!

Harry still won't say who his crush is, but I've heard around that it's either Padma Patil or Cho Chang. Let's see if he asks anyone to the first Hogsmeade weekend…

There's rumours going around that Ron has been snogging Hermione. These rumours are not confirmed yet, and I really wouldn't believe them. I think they like each other, but I don't think they're snogging. Let's ask them like crazy, and see if they'll admit to it.


	4. issue 4

The Weekly Gryffindor Volume 1, Issue 4 Interviews with Random People By Fred and George Weasley Fred- Hello! And Welcome to _Interviews with Random People_! We're going around the common room today, to interview random people! 

George- Here's a random person now! Who are you, little lady?

Parvati-I'm Parvati Patil.

George-That's just great, just great. So, what is that in your hair?

Parvati-There's something in my hair?

George-Ha Ha, you actually believed me!

Fred-Nice, George, you made her leave. Here's another random person. Who're you?

Harry-You know me. Are you just being stupid or what?

Fred-We're doing interviews with random people. Now please tell the nice readers your name.

Harry-Harry Potter. I'm sure none of them have heard of me. Really.

Fred-I can hear the fans screaming, really, so, what's your opinion on Slytherins?

Harry-They're stupid gits.

George-Good answer.

Harry-Of course. Anything else you'd like to annoy me with?

George-Yes, I have a question for you. Why is your cousin being so stupid?

Harry-Well, I'm sure Dudley is always stupid, or are you talking about Helen?

Fred-He just needs to shut up.

Harry-Oookaaay….any other questions?

Fred-The girls of the world want to know, is You-Know-Who a hottie?

Harry-The girls of the world who would think so need a lot of therapy.

George-So that's a no. Let's find another random person.

Fred-Hey, random person, I think we're done for today.

George-I think so too, random person.

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I broke up with my girlfriend, but I'm starting to think it was a mistake. What should I do?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

If you're George, give Helen a day or two to calm down, you guys need a break. If you're some other guy, you think it over some more, and ask her if she wants to get back together. If she slaps you in the face, it's not a good sign.

Dear Chel,

My friend keeps telling me that Malfoy will be a death eater, Voldemort's going to come back at the end of this year, Snape will kill Dumbledore, Sirius Black will die, and that Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley will get together. She's starting to freak me out a bit. She goes all weird when she says it, and I'm not sure what to do. What should I do?

-Getting Weirded Out

Dear Getting,

Move to Australia and tell her to stop predicting my dad's death. I don't appreciate it.

Dear Chel,

I think it'd be a good idea to get cheerleaders at Hogwarts for the Quidditch games. But every time I suggest it to Madam Hooch, she tells me I'm crazy. Can you help me get them to agree to it?

-Cheerleader

Dear Cheerleader,

I found out from a friend that a cheerleader is someone who cheers for the team and wears skimpy little outfits. They say chants and do weird dances. They're right to turn you down. Sounds like a cult to me. Besides, we have people who cheer already. They're in the crowds. Now, on the other hand, if you imperiused a few Slytherins into doing it in the great hall during the welcoming feast for Beaubaxtons and Durmstrang, that'd be entertaining.

Dear Chel,

I'm in love with a girl, but I don't know if she likes me at all. She's one of my best friends, and I don't want to ruin anything of our friendship by asking her out. What should I do?

-Doesn't want to lose a friend

Dear Doesn't,

If you're Ron, talking about Hermione, go for it. If you're anyone else, go for it. Or, move to Australia.

The Lion's Mouth 

This is Alicia Spinnet with the gossip column. It tells you all of everything that's worth knowing about. If you have some news for me, then write it on a piece of parchment and slip it under the door of the girl's dormitory, room 8.

The biggest news of this week: Helen Pemberton and George Weasley, Hogwarts longest lasting couple has broken up. They had a huge fight in the hallway outside of McGonagall's classroom on Monday and we haven't seen Helen in the common room since then. She was seen, however, throwing a rather shiny object at him off of her finger. Let's try to find out what _that _was.

Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley say that the next person who asks them if they're an item will be cursed. I don't doubt them to do it, they seem really pissed off. They say that whoever started that rumour will be the one to be on the other side of Ginny Weasley's Bat Bogey Hex. I'm guessing that's bad.

Lee Jordan and Katie broke up last Friday, and they both don't seem too upset. Katie says that she likes someone else, so she didn't want to be with him anymore.

The Triwizard schools are coming soon! Let's start getting ready for foreign hotties….


	5. issue 5

The Weekly Gryffindor 

Volume 1, Issue 5

Random People-More Interviews

By Fred and George Weasley

We've been going around the school this time to interview random people, truthfully, I think George is hoping to run into Helen so he can attempt to make up with her, and try to make her take back the pr-OW! Ok, fine, We've been going around the school to find even more random people, as no one's in the common room.

George-Hello! You certainly are random, I've never met you before!

Kate-I was in your potions class for 5 years.

George-Oh. Uh, what's your name? I seem to have forgotten it…

Kate-It's Kate, and Helen was right about you, wasn't she?

Fred-Hey, _we're_ the ones asking the questions. What do you think of You-Know-Who? Do you think he's really evil, or do you think he's secretly a softie?

Kate-Evil, of course. How could you be a soft-

George-Thank you, Kate. Now, what did Helen say about me that she was right about?

Kate-You're a conceited git.

George-She didn't really say that, did she?

Fred-Does it really matter? Let's go find more random people, preferably ones who aren't in Ravenclaw!

Kate-What's wrong with Ravenclaw?

Fred-George can't talk to people of that house right now, apparently. Oh, look, a Hufflepuff! Who're you?

Cedric-I'm Cedric Diggory.

George-Yeah, we know.

Cedric-Why do you guys hate me, tell me again?

Fred-Better reasons than you need to know. So, Random Person, What's your opinion of getting cheerleaders here for Quidditch?

Cedric-Whatleaders?

George-People who'd cheer the team on at games, and the girls wear skanky little outfits, according to Chel Black-Lupin.

Cedric-Oh, um, what'd be the point of that? It sounds stupid.

Fred-He says stupid, let's go onto the next person! You, what's your name?

Ginny-I'm your sister, you prat.

George-Yes, but they don't know who you are till you say your name.

Ginny-Who?

George-The readers of the Weekly Gryffindor.

Ginny-oh, well, I'm Ginny Weasley.

Fred-Is it true that you fancy Harry Potter?

George-She's not answering, just going red, make sure that's on the record.

Ginny-How bout a real question?

Fred-What do you think of cookies?

Ginny-You mean like the food, the edible cookies? I like them. They're good.

George-Can I ask her the real question now?

Fred-Go ahead.

George-Are you currently dating Harry?

Ginny-You know I'm not. And besides, rumour has it that he likes a Ravenclaw.

Fred-And we don't trust rumours, do we, George?

George-No, not usually, at least, unless of course, we start them. In which case we know if they're true or not. That's all the time we have for interviews with random people today, so until next time….

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I think I like Dumbledore. And I don't mean like, a friendly like, if you know what I mean. Is this weird? Should I do something about it?

-Going for the old guy

Dear Going,

I say if you're a 150-year-old woman, go for it. But as you're probably a student in Gryffindor, you need psychological help. Go get it.

Dear Chel,

I think I'm traumatised. I saw Snape _kissing_ his pink boxers. I believe he has an unnatural love for them. He wasn't wearing anything, either. Do you know any good memory spells?

-In Need of a Lockhart Treatment

Dear In Need,

That's not even funny, George. Go back to pining for Helen.

Dear Chel,

I am _not_ pining for her.

-The twin you're not dating

Dear The Twin,

Ha! I'd like to see you try to prove it!

Dear Chel,

I think someone's been putting melted marshmallows in my hair while I sleep. Can you help me make them stop?

-Bad Hair Day

Dear Bad,

Find out who it is and get them back worse.

Dear Chel,

I like this guy, but he just broke up with his girlfriend, and they were really serious. Do you think he's still on the rebound, and would it be okay if I went out with him?

-Not Sure

Dear Not Sure,

If he's on the rebound, he'll go out with you, just because of that. So, go for it, it may be your only chance.

Dear Chel,

Can you get people to stop saying things about Ron and me? It's really starting to make me mad.

-Hermione

Dear Hermione,

You're not supposed to use your real name, you know. And if you want them to stop, do what you were threatening with the Ginny getting them the Bat Bogey Hex thing.

The Lion's Mouth 

This is Alicia Spinnet with the gossip column. It tells you all of everything that's worth knowing about. If you have some news for me, then write it on a piece of parchment and slip it under the door of the girl's dormitory, room 8.

Lee Jordan reportedly asked George Weasley's ex, Helen Pemberton, out at breakfast this morning. She said, "Are you kidding me? I'd rather go out with Snape than you!" (For the record, Helen loathes Snape.) She then poured a pitcher of water on his head and stormed out of the Great Hall.

Hermione and Ron finally went through with their threat. Ginny's bat bogey hex has now gotten a total of one person, and no one's bugged them since then. How they got Ginny Weasley to ever agree to doing it is beyond me. Maybe they told her she could be Harry's girlfriend or something.

Chel Black-Lupin is rumoured to have been staying in the boy's dormitories for the last _month_. Well, actually, this isn't a rumour, I know it to be a fact because I'm in her year and she's supposed to be sleeping in the bunk next to me and she definitely hasn't been there at all. Upon asking her about this, she merely said she wasn't technically _sleeping_ in her boyfriend's dormitory.

Fashion is becoming important all of a sudden, and everyone's starting to try and accessorise as much things as possible. What's all the rage right now? Dragonfly barrettes.


	6. issue 6

The Weekly Gryffindor 

Volume 1, Issue 6

What's really going on

By Fred Weasley 

I'm here today telling you what's really going on with Gryffindors, what's going on with the people, and why everyone's anxious for the 30th of October, which is in 2 weeks. And the way I'm going to tell you is by interviewing everyone, of course!

Fred: Why are you so anxious for the 30th of October, Lee Jordan?

Lee: well, I can find out whether or not I can make it into the Triwizard Tournament or not.

Fred: Ah, of course. We all can't wait for that. You, who are you?

Lana: I'm Lana, I'm a first year. Who are you?

Fred: I'm Fred Weasley.

Lana: Ooh, I've heard about you! No one ever said you were so hot!

Fred: Really? My girlfriend says that a lot.

Lana: Oh. Why are you talking to me?

Fred: I'm doing an interview. I'm just wondering if there's anything worth mentioning in your life.

Lana: I failed my last potions quiz, that's about it.

Fred: Of course you did, Snape's an evil git, like all Slytherins. Next person, you, what's your name?

Colin: Colin Creevy.

Fred: Aren't you that kid who's obsessed with taking pictures of Harry Potter?

Colin: Um…I guess.

Fred: Anything going on in your life worth mentioning?

Colin: Not really. I got a good grade on my herbology essay.

Fred: That's nice. You, who are you?

Dean: I'm Dean Thomas. What do you want, Fred or George?

Fred: It's Fred. And I want to know if there's anything going on in your life that's worth mentioning.

Dean: not really. Your sister's hot, I'll say that.

Fred: say that again, and you'll have my quill somewhere that isn't pleasant.

Dean: Um…in DADA, Professor Moody had an interesting lesson.

Fred: I don't really care.

That's all for today, keep on looking for more interviews!

Therapy By George Weasley 

I've started my therapist ways again. This time, asking anyone who I personally think needs therapy.

George: Ron, c'mere a minute!

Ron: No, you're doing your therapy thing again.

George: So? I won't tell you to stick cherry flavoured lollipops all over your body after you have a werewolf lick them, don't worry.

Ron: Isn't that the advice you gave some first year that actually believed you?

George: and they attempted to find a werewolf. It was pretty entertaining.

Ron: Fine, but only for one minute.

George: Ronald, why have you come to me today?

Ron: I have this pair of really annoying twin brothers. They're quite gits.

George: Hey, mind your elders.

Ron: and I really like this girl who's my best friend….

George: Really? Are you finally owning up to that?

Ron: Psych!

George: You suck, mate. Your session's over. Leave, please.

Ron: Whatever.

George: Harry!

Harry: No way. I don't need any therapy.

George: fine. Lee, come over here!

Lee: Why do I need therapy?

George: You've got to be crazy, you asked out Helen. Anyone willing to date her has gotta be nutters.

Lee: I'm not doing any stupid therapy. And if I'm nutters for asking her out, you've got to be insane, as you went out with her for five years straight.

George: Fine, don't get therapy. But trust me, you need it. Um…Chel, don't you need therapy?

Chel: I'm not getting any therapy unless it's from Fred, and it has to be physical.

George: No one's willing to participate today, so join me next time for a new session of therapy.

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

My best friend thinks I'm crazy. What can I do?

-Crazy?

Dear Crazy,

Maybe you are crazy. Try one of George's therapy sessions. If you weren't nutters before, then you will be.

Dear Chel,

I keep on having a recurring dream in which I marry a pickle. How can I get these dreams to stop?

-Destined to Marry a Pickle

Dear Destined,

Maybe you're not over a girlfriend or boyfriend who had a fetish with pickles….? Or you just need to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

Hagrid's Skrewts are attacking me! Help!

-In dire need of help

Dear In Dire,

Do us all a favour and just kill them.

Dear Chel,

Everyone thinks I'm in love with my best friend, and they won't leave me alone about it. What should I do?

-Annoyed with Everyone

Dear Annoyed,

Have you ever considered that they might be right? I'm in love with _my_ best friend after all (for your information FRED is my best friend, not _Helen_, I am NOT in love with her).

Dear Help

Dear A.S.A.P,

How could I possibly help you? You obviously got away if you were able to give this to me.

Dear Chel,

I normally just cheat off my friend's homework, but they won't let me anymore. What can I do?

-Want to Cheat

Dear Want,

Have you ever considered doing your own work?

The Lion's Mouth 

This is Alicia Spinnet with the gossip column. It tells you all of everything that's worth knowing about. If you have some news for me, then write it on a piece of parchment and slip it under the door of the girl's dormitory, room 8.

With the Triwizard Tournament growing closer, people are trying to find out ways to trick this "judge" to believe they are of age. George Weasley said, "I'm trying to find every single way I could possibly trick it. I really think it'd be brilliant to be the Hogwarts Triwizard champion."

What's happened this week in the romance area? Chel and Fred have been seen snogging all over the place, which isn't a surprise at all; and me and George have snogged once, I don't even know how it happened, and we both never plan to again, as I like Lee Jordan and he obviously still loves Helen.

When asked if she'd ever consider going out with George again, Helen Pemberton told me, "I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns." And that's a direct quote. But it's not a yes or a no….

In the rumour mill, are Lee and I together? Yes, we are. And also, is someone _actually_ predicting the future for once in this school? We're not sure, but there's a girl in the 2nd year that keeps on going weird and saying things. Let's watch for these things to see if she's just pulling our legs: Dumbledore will be killed by Snape; Sirius Black will die; Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger will get married; Fleur Declour (whoever that is) will be a Weasley as well; the minister of magic will be replaced in two years; Draco Malfoy will be a Death Eater; You-Know-Who will come back; and Ginny and Harry will hook up. Let's hope some of those things don't actually happen.


	7. issue 7

  
The Weekly Gryffindor 

Volume 1, Issue 7

The Interview with George Weasley By Fred Weasley 

Fred: You interviewed me, so now it's my turn to interview you. Is it true that you're mentally insane?

George: I don't think so, personally, but some may have a different opinion.

Fred: We asked people to send in questions, so this is from Helen Pemberton, 6th year, Ravenclaw, "Did you really kiss Alicia Spinnet?"

George: Yes, but it really was a mistake, and I don't like her at all like that. Now she's going out with Lee Jordan, so it's all good.

Fred: This question is from Chel Black-Lupin, 6th year, "How come your twin is so much cooler than you?"

George: You may be the only one with that opinion, Chel.

Fred: Well, her _and_ I both have that opinion.

George: Is this interview already over…?

Fred: No. Why would it be? Um, next question. From Ginny Weasley, 3rd year, "Why do you keep singing under your breath?"

George: What the…what's she talking about? I haven't been singing under my breath.

Fred: She was probably trying to be funny. From _Draco Malfoy_? How did _this _get in here? Oh, that's right, it was a joke from me. "Do you enjoy being an ugly redheaded blood traitor Gryffindor?"

George: Why yes, yes I do.

Fred: From some girl who didn't tell me her name, "Why are you so sexy?"

George: I don't know, good genes? The red hair?

Fred: It can't be the red hair, cause people don't think Percy's sexy, and he's got the same hair we do. Maybe it's because you look just like me.

George: You wish. Any more questions?

Fred: From Harry Potter, 4th year, "How did you come up with the idea to steal all of Slytherin's robes? That was brilliant!"

George: Um…that wasn't my idea.

Fred: I thought it was, George.

George: No, Helen came up with it. I'm the one who came up with Snape's pink sequinned boxers.

Fred: Ah, well, whoever's idea it was, it was brilliant.

George: Yep, it was. So, any others?

Fred: One last question, from some first year, "Why do you do so many pranks? Are you the one who's been covering my hair in melted marshmallows every morning?"

George: No. Why would I cover some 1st year's hair in marshmallows every morning? Oh, uh, I do pranks because they're fun. Try it for yourself and you'll see.

Fred: Yes, the joy of pranks.

12 Ways to Annoy a Slytherin By George Weasley 

Here's the top 12 ways to annoy a Slytherin:

12: Dye their robes the colour of Gryffindor, or better yet, Hufflepuff, as they don't deserve to look like Gryffindors.

11: Tell them that Draco's just posing as a Slytherin

10: Say loudly in front of them about how You-Know-Who _let_ Harry live.

9: Pants their Head of House in the middle of class with them, and if you don't have potions, use a disillusionment charm.

8: Turn their hero into a ferret, like Mad-Eye Moody did.

7: Talk about how many times Gryffindor's beat them in Quidditch and the House Cup.

6: Eat a pickle (this was Helen Pemberton's addition, not my idea).

5: Pretend to speak Parseltoungue. "_Hissy hissy!"_

4: Say something about Snape being a horrible teacher.

3: Be friendly to Harry Potter.

2: Start singing Muggle songs, preferably from the little kid Muggle show, Sesame Street.

1: Make them take a test to prove they're not Muggle-born.

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I keep dreaming that last year's teacher, Lupin, is eating me when he's a werewolf. How can I stop these dreams?

-Scared

Dear Scared,

You're an idiot. Lupin's totally harmless. He's also no where near Hogwarts, so go back to sleep, you wuss.

Dearest Chel,

Will you _please _go out with me? I love you!

-Desperate for you

Dear Desperate,

NO! Get it through your head – NO.

Dear Chel,

I have this friend who _really_ annoys me. I want to be nice, but he's killing me! I can't stand him! What should I do?

-Nice, Yet Rude

Dear Nice,

You should tell him he annoys you. Maybe he'll stop with the annoyances. I tried that with Helen and it worked okay…

Dear Chel,

Over the summer, I developed a passion for this thing Muggles call a movie. Preferably the ones called Star Wars. How can I watch these at Hogwarts?

-Movie Freak

Dear Movie,

You can't use electronics at Hogwarts, according to Hermione Granger, who for some reason is looking over my shoulder right now.

Dear Chel,

I went into the future and I know everything that'll happen, and no one believes me. They think I'm crazy! How can I get them to believe me?

-Back From the Future

Dear Back,

If you believe you went into the future, that's nice. But, really, stop trying to convince everyone you did.

Dear Chel,

You and Fred get married.

-Back From the Future

Dear Back,

Give up on it, and that's very probable.

The Lion's Mouth 

This is Alicia Spinnet with the gossip column. It tells you all of everything that's worth knowing about. If you have some news for me, then write it on a piece of parchment and slip it under the door of the girl's dormitory, room 8.

George Weasley and Helen Pemberton are back together. No surprise there. He grabbed her and kissed her after their Defence Against the Dark Arts class, and shocker of the century – she kissed him back. She's been back in the common room since then, and will be taking back over this column next week, as she warned me this was my last week or I'll have a jinx I wouldn't like to have. What's that shiny thing that she threw at him off her finger when they broke up? No one knows, still. But she has a little silver band on her left ring finger, which I suppose is the ring. Given that it's on her left ring finger, I'm guessing it's probably something of a promise ring.

Rumours have it that the Triwizard schools that arrive tonight will have a lot of foreign hotties in them, and we'll get to meet them up close and personal. I heard there's some famous person from one of the schools.

The Triwizard stuff all starts tonight, so grab your copy of the Weekly Gryffindor and go to the Welcoming feast!


	8. issue 8

The Weekly Gryffindor 

Volume 1, Issue 8

The _Four_ Triwizard Champions

By Fred Weasley 

The impartial judge was the Goblet of Fire, which gave me a brilliant beard, as well as George. To everyone's surprise, it had four, not three champion's names come out of it. For Durmstrang, it was Viktor Krum; Beaubaxtons, Fleur Declour; Hogwarts, Cedric Diggory, _and _Harry Potter. Harry won't tell us how he got tricked the Goblet, but not only is he the champion that didn't exist; he's underage – only a fourteen-year-old.

The other schools were furious with this second Hogwarts champion, as is all of Hogwarts except Gryffindor, and at least one Ravenclaw who might as well be a Gryffindor. All of Gryffindor is thrilled of course, and we're all cheering Harry on. But what's happened to his best friend, Ron Weasley? The two of them haven't been talking since then. I think little Ronnie's jealous.

Buttons that flash "Support Cedric Diggory – The REAL Hogwarts Champion" and "Potter Stinks" have been seen all over school. If you see anyone wearing them, curse them, please. I suggest the jelly legs jinx, or possibly Adava Kedavra – I mean, um, another good curse or jinx.

The Exclusive Interview By George Weasley 

George Weasley here with all the Triwizard Champions. I'm doing an _exclusive_ interview.

George: Fleur-What are your feelings on Harry Potter being the second champion for Hogwarts?

Fleur: He is too young. (Said through heavy accent)

George: Oookaay…how about you, Krum?

Krum: It's a little weird, but I don't really care. It's not like he can beat me. (Also said through heavy accent)

George: I don't know about that. Cedric, why are all the girls fawning over you, and is it true that my girlfriend flirted with you the other day?

Cedric: I have no idea why they all like me. Um…who's your girlfriend? Lots of girls flirt with me.

George: Helen Pemberton.

Cedric: No idea who that is.

George: Of course you wouldn't. Krum-Why did you catch the Snitch? Could you _see _the scoreboard?

Krum: Of course I could see the scoreboard. I knew we were going to lose anyway – wait, what does this have to do with the Tournament?

George: Nothing, I just wanted to know. Harry-How did you put your name in the Goblet?

Harry: I _told_ you. I DIDN'T. And for your information, I would much rather be friends with Ron again than be the stupid Champion for Hogwarts. By the way, if you're reading this, Ron, You're a GIT. Why don't you just go snog Hermione and leave me alone?

George: Don't we all wish he would? Fleur-is it weird being the only girl champion? And on a side note, who's hotter, Fred or me?

Fleur: For your information George, I find you both to be incredibly immature. I'd rather go out with Skrwents, or whatever they're called. I'm surprised there are not other girls, but I'm proud to support the superior gender.

George: _Hey!_ I'll have you know, there are plenty of girls that have a very different opinion on me and Fred. I got asked out about twelve times in that little break me and Helen had….

Fleur: Why would I care?

George: you'd better not let Chel hear you saying anything about girls being the superior gender, because she has a very different opinion.

Fleur: Who is that?

George: My brother's girlfriend. Krum- have you found any particular girls you fancy yet?

Krum: A few, but I really don't think that's any of your business.

George: Krum, what house do you think you'd be in if you were at Hogwarts?

Krum: this is a Gryffindor newspaper, you said?

George: Yep. Only one Ravenclaw reads it, the rest are Gryffindors.

Krum: Then, I'd definitely be in Gryffindor.

George: Liar. We've seen you be buddy-buddy with the Slytherins. Cedric-Don't you think you won that Quidditch match on a technicality?

Cedric: Well I-

George: Okay! That's all the time we have for today!

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

The Beauxbatons girls are driving me up the wall! Can't we just get them out of here!

- Pure Hogwarts Girl

Dear Hogwarts Girl,

All girls are annoying, we just have to get over it, okay? Plus I really don't think Dumbledore would appeal to a complaint about the girls being annoying and actually send them away so there's not much you or I can do about it, no matter how much we would like to.

Dear Chel,

My two best friends aren't talking and I'm really getting tired of running in-between them and trying to get them to even hang around each other. What should I do?

- Stuck In the Middle

Dear Stuck,

Well, if MY two best friends weren't talking (which would really be a shock) then I would probably just tell them to shove it up their arse (excuse my French – no offence to those Beauxbatons, oh wait…) and get back into real life where we have to stick together and not care who's in the Triwizard Tournament or who's famous or not. Other than that, I have no advice whatsoever (I'd tell you to move to Australia but I don't think that would make them talk again so…)

Dear Chel,

I think my girlfriend has a thing for Cedric Diggory! I can't stand him. Do you think it's possible that she could like him? Do YOU like him? I need to know if she wants to cheat on me or I swear I'm going to go insane!

-WAY Better Snogger

Dear Snogger,

FRED! I RUDDY TOLD YOU I DON'T LIKE CEDRIC DIGGORY! WILL YOU _PLEASE_ LET THAT GO! IT WAS A JOKE! And I KNOW you're a better snogger, so just stop it, Fred.

Dear Chel,

HOW WOULD _YOU _KNOW THAT I'M BETTER? (Thanks for the compliment, but…)

How would you know? Have you kissed him? I KNEW IT! You snogged with him just so you could make sure you didn't like him! Have you? HAVE YOU?

-Your BOYFRIEND!

Dear BOYFRIEND,

NO I HAVE NOT SNOGGED WITH HIM, BUT I KNOW PEOPLE THAT HAVE. Trust me, he can't tell a tongue from a pickle so will you just let it go already, he's a stupid git, I hate him just as much as you do and I've been going out with you for like 5 years so it's not like I'm just going to go off sometime and snog Cedric just to see if I like him. I wouldn't have had any time anyway because I'm always snogging _you _so just STOP!

Dear Chel,

FINE.

-I am a better snogger – HA! See, George, I was right!

Dear Chel,

This _boy_ I like – sort of, (but don't quote me on it!) is obsessed with Viktor Krum just because he's such a good Quidditch player. I think it's a little odd, can you please help me? I'm trying not to think about it but all he ever talks about now, especially since he isn't talking to our other friend, is Viktor. What should I do?

-In Need of Attention

Dear In Need,

I KNEW IT! Um… if it were ME (not that I've ever been in that situation before because I've had the same boyfriend for years) I would probably tell him to just shut it about the stupid Quidditch player, especially since he isn't that great anyway, and THIS CERTAIN GUY probably likes you too.

My Dearest Chel,

I had my friend write this because I'm afraid you'll trace it to me with my handwriting, but I had to give it one last shot before I go into emotional exile. I wrote you a poem, I wanted to include the line "Your eyes are as brown as the mud worms frolic in" but it didn't fit, so here it is:

To hold you in my arms,

Would make my feelings whirl

My heart fills with alarm,

You are the girl,

You don't know I exist,

Your big toe fills me with bliss,

You are so hot,

I am not

And you have a boyfriend.

I can't stop thinking about you so I just wanted you to know. I know it's not possible for us to be together, especially since your boyfriend would beat the living phlegm out of me. But I love you and I don't think I can make myself stop. If there's any possible way we could ever be lovers, like if you ever break up with Fred (not likely), then I'll always be waiting here, so let me know.

-Desperate for You

Dear Creepazoid,

OH-MY-GOSH! There's this thing called an asylum- yeah, you need to go there. _My eyes are as _what? You are just sick. Please stop stalking me, you're right, I HAVE a boyfriend, he definitely WOULD beat you up, and we probably WON'T be breaking up any time soon so LEAVE ME ALONE!

The Lion's Mouth

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

Harry Potter is the second, as everyone already knows, but whatever, Triwizard Champion. His best friend, Ronald Weasley hasn't been talking to him, and frankly, Hermione is sick of them not talking. But girls are fawning over Harry more than ever now, and I doubt he'll be single much longer.

Chel Black-Lupin has a stalker, in case you haven't been reading her column. WHOEVER YOU ARE, PLEASE, LEAVE HER ALONE! Although she claims it's not a big deal, it really is. She gets about twenty letters a week that she doesn't put in the column. And her boyfriend probably doesn't exactly appreciate it either.

Rita Skeeter is been seen eyeing Harry Potter. And according to Cedric Diggory, the git, she pulled him into a closet during the weighing of the wands and when they came out, Harry looked quite flustered. When asked about it, Harry said she tried to interview him. "Interview," Harry? What kind of sick metaphor is _that_? More on this as the story develops.

There's been quite a rebel against the dress policy. They've been only wearing their pyjamas to classes. And Gregory Goyle was spotted sporting his boxers to his last Transfiguration class. Let's just say he has a detention. It's a trend, I guess. Or maybe they just don't have robes anymore…


	9. issue 9

The Weekly Gryffindor Volume 1, Issue 9 Interview with Chel Black-Lupin – Stalked, and Mad 

By Fred Weasley

Fred: So, any idea who this stalker is?

Chel: if I _had_ an idea, you'd see someone walking around with unpleasant looking warts on their face.

Fred: How many letters are you getting a week, now?

Chel: Well, besides the ones I have included in my column, I get about five, but I find them a little inappropriate, as they discuss the colour of my _underwear._

Fred: Smirk on his face Do they now?

Chel: That's just one of them.

Fred: So, which underwear do they discuss, are they talking about those ones-?

Chel: I'd rather not say, considering Rita Skeeter's been spying on all the Gryffindors and I'd really not like to have my underwear be a subject for a story in the daily prophet.

Fred: I'd read that story. Do you think they'd include a picture?

Chel: I know you would Fred, but as you've seen them all, you really wouldn't need a picture, would you? And if you keep on talking about that, then you won't be seeing them for quite a while.

Fred: Shutting it now. Next question, Hermione wanted me to ask you, "Have you ever considered that it could be your stupid boy-" oh, ok, next question…

Chel: My stupid _what?_ Grabs parchment Fred! You git! I knew no one else would have known about those black-

Fred: What? It's not me.

Chel: You'd better not put that comment of mine about something black on the record-

Fred: too late.

Chel: I swear, if you don't tell me the truth about who's doing this, I won't snog you for a _week. _

Fred: You wouldn't be able to live without me for a week, and you know it.

Chel: _maybe I'll go crying to CEDRIC DIGGORY…_

Fred: you wouldn't _dare._

Chel: I wouldn't, would I?

Fred: that's all the time we have for today, folks.

Interview with a Gossip Columnist 

By George Weasley

As Fred is interviewing his girlfeind (that's not a typo) this week, I've decided to interview mine.

George: Hey Helen, what's up?

Helen: How you doin'?

George: You wanna make out?

Helen: I thought we were doing an interview!

George: We can just describe our snogging session to our readers…

Helen: You wish! Do you even have any questions for me? Or did you just want me on your bed?

George: A little of both. I figured once we were done with the interview we could have some…fun.

Helen: You're such a pervert sometimes.

George: Gotta love me.

Helen: yeah, I know.

George: What's your favourite colour?

Helen: What are you talking about? What kind of a question is that?

George: I had to think of something on the spot!

Helen: Are you telling me you have nothing prepared?

George: I was _prepared _for this interview to be only 2 lines long. I figured you'd rather snog then answer stupid questions.

Helen: Why did you figure that? You're hot and all, but you're not _that _hot. Now Cedric Diggory, on the other hand…

George: _What? _I thought you said you didn't like him. It's bad enough you brought him up when we were snogging three nights ago…

Helen: All I said you were a much better kisser, that's all.

George: that's not what you said! That's it, Fred and I are going to have a little get together, and _Celestina Diggory _will be invited.

Helen: Who? Is that his mum?

George: getting a little frustrated This interview is over, okay? That wasn't exactly the way I wanted this interview to go, but whatever!

Helen: Got any pickles?

George: You know I don't, Helen…How many times have you asked me that? I thought pickles were out to get you, according to Fred, and you couldn't talk about them anymore.

Helen: I'm bored now. Wanna snog?

George: Yeah, sure whatever.

Helen: You'd better not put those last two things I've said into the interview.

George: Don't worry, I won't….

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I'm obsessed with ketchup, I can't stop eating it. My friends are starting to notice when I steal away from the lunch table holding/snogging a bottle. What should I do? And please don't tell me to move to Australia.

-Ketchup Boy

Dear Ketchup Boy,

OBSESSIONS ARE BAD, BAD BAD BAD! They only get you into trouble, and – wait a second, that's disgusting! That is NOT natural, kid, why the heck are you freaking attracted to ketchup? IT'S A FOOD! And tomatoes are gross! Gosh. Boys are so gay, actually they all should be because they're all stuck on themselves. MOVE TO FREAKING AUSTRALIA. Okay, New Zealand then, and let's hope there's no ketchup there.

Dear Chel,

I think someone is going to die in the Triwizard Tournament. I've brought it up with Dumbledore _and_ Professor McGonagall, but they won't do anything about it. This certain person that is supposed to die is one of my dearest friends, what should I do?

-Afraid

Dear Afraid,

Um… if you're the same person that's been predicting all those things for the future, please just shut your brain off because I really don't appreciate half of these so-called predictions, considering half of them refer to people (some that I know personally) _dying_, you really need to go see a psychiatrist, seriously, if you write me again, that's all I'm going to tell you so just leave well-enough alone and try and knock some sanity into your own brain. P.S. Don't use boys as an outlet, it DOESN'T WORK!

Dear Chel,

Um… I think my girlfriend (who is very pretty and wonderful and definitely NOT a bad kisser by the way) is mad at me – severely. How can I get her to "kiss and make-up/out" with me again?

-You probably know who it is so what's the point

Dear idiot,

I already told you, Fred, I'm not talking to you unless you admit that you were a stupid git trying to torment me with those stupid stalker letters. That's all I have to say to you. Why don't you just go make out with Angelina for all I care!

Dear Chel,

My girlfriend just told me to make out with another girl, should I?

-You-Know-Who

Dear _Voldemort?_

Since when does Voldemort want me to give him advice? And WHO in their RIGHT MIND would go out with him? Ew. Just kidding, I know it's you, Fred! And actually, for your information we are now officially on a break! Until you tell me what the heck you were up to and say you're sorry.

Dear Chel,

Does that mean 'Yes'?

-Fred

Fred, (forget the freaking 'dear')

NO IT DOES NOT! If you even think about touching those – lips to another girls' (or any part of ANYONE'S body for that matter) then I will (heaven forbid) go out with Cedric Diggory!

Dear Chel,

So… what's the point of being on a break then?

-Fred

Fred,

It just means I'm not talking to you, and YES that means no action either.

Dear Chel,

NOW will you go out with me?

-Desperate for You

Dear Desperate,

What? HELLO! I already said I knew it was YOU, Fred.

Dear Chel,

It was worth a try.

-STILL Desperate for You

Dear Desperate,

WE'RE ON A BREAK!

The Lion's Mouth

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

FRED AND CHEL AREN'T ON SPEAKING TERMS! It's really starting to freak me out! It's like the world's ending! They've never fought like this before. But if you ask me, it's not just about the stupid stalker thing. Could there possibly be a break-up in the future? Does Chel really just think Cedric's a git?

Katie and Lee are getting back together, and Alicia seems very upset. She says he didn't even break up with her before he got back with Katie, and she found them snogging in the common room. That yelling match was very entertaining for those who were within hearing distance, which I suspect the whole castle was in that radius.

Krum has been spending basically all the time in the library, which is good news for his fans. As they can pretend to study when they're ogling him. Whatever that means.

There's a Ravenclaw loose in the Gryffindor common room, who's going around, trying to convince people that Old McDonald's farm is a conspiracy made up by the government to make children believe that there are farms and that animals make noises – wait, that's me….

There are rumours going around that some Gryffindor has a time-turner. But we do not yet have evidence to support this.


	10. issue 10

The Weekly Gryffindor Volume 1, Issue 10 Teachers' Opinions on Student Dating 

By Fred Weasley

Fred: Moody!

Prof. Moody: What is it?

Fred: Can I ask you a few questions for my – er, _Gryffindor's_ newspaper?

Prof. Moody: I don't think I have much of a choice, seeing as it's _you_…

Fred: Er, right, that's true. So what do you think about stupid girls – I mean, students dating?

Prof. Moody: I really couldn't care less, Mr. Weasley, whichever one you are, and I'm quite busy at the moment, so could you - pushes Fred towards the door please exit my office…

Fred: No comment, then?

Prof. Moody: through the door now They can do whatever they want!

Fred: Hey, Trelawney!

Prof. Trelawney: Yeeesss? gasps There is a very strong aura in the area! May I ask what you are doing here, Mr…?

Fred: Weasley, _Fred _Weasley. And um… I'm interviewing for a newspaper. Can I ask you a few questions?

Prof. Trelawney: Of course. If you allow me to invite you up to my office…

Fred: Um…let's stay here. What's your opinion on student dating?

Prof. Trelawney: Well, I think they should date, and have some fun, but it's at their own expense.

Fred: What do you mean by that?

Prof. Trelawney: _The heart,_ Mr. Weasley.

Fred: What do you mean by _that_?

Prof. Trelawney: Well, it breaks easy, and mending it takes time. By the way, my dear, when you let others read this, something terrible will happen to your best friend.

Fred: Er – that's…nice. Really. So, do you have any predictions of who will get together in the school this year?

Prof. Trelawney: Well, I think one Harry Potter will die…

Fred: You always do. That's all the time we have for today.

Fred: Hey, Professor McGonagall.

Prof. McGonagall: What do you want, Mr. Weasley? Aren't you supposed to be in some class right now?

Fred: I don't have anywhere to go right now. I was wondering what your opinion of students dating was?

Prof. McGonagall: They can date. I really don't care. I think it's probably good for them to keep their minds on their schoolwork, though.

Fred: Not much of a surprise there.

Therapy for Triwizard Champions 

By George Weasley

I am at the moment walking around trying find the Triwizard Tournament Champions. I've decided they all need therapy, especially Cedric Diggory. Ah, here's one now!

George: Hello, Fleur.

Fleur: heavy accent disgusted look Oh, it's you. Please leave me alone.

George: I can't. I have to give you therapy. I have to psychoanalyse all of the champions for the Triwizard Tournament.

Fleur: I have no problems.

George: I know you've got to have at least one.

Fleur: This very immature boy is annoying me.

George: And I have a remedy for _that_.

Fleur: sighs Please give me the remedy and leave.

George: You have to spray 5 gallons of skunk stink on you, and start talking in gibberish for 5 minutes.

Fleur: Or I could just walk away.

George: Hey, come back!

George: Hello, Harry.

Harry: You're not giving me therapy.

George: You know you need it.

Harry: Ok, I've been having problems with your git brother…

George: Ron's just jealous. He'll make up with you soon enough. But to make it sooner, wear fishnet tights and hooker boots to the Great Hall for dinner tomorrow. That's your remedy.

Harry: You're insane.

George: Helen's the one who suggested that one. I was running out of ideas.

Harry: She's insane as well. You'll get married and have insane little children who'll run around stealing all of the Hogwarts school robes so they have nothing but pyjamas to wear.

George: Hey, that was a trend, we didn't steal any robes.

Harry: No, that's because you told the house elves you'd get Hermione to leave them alone if they didn't return any robes after washing them.

George: No, we didn't. I have no idea what you're talking about…

George: Viktor Krum. Can I have a few moments of your time?

Krum: heavy accent Sure.

George: Do you realise that you need therapy?

Krum: What?

George: I'm here to give you some therapy.

Krum: I don't need it.

George: What's been troubling you, Krum?

Krum: Well, the first task is getting close, and I have no idea what it is. And the girl I've grown fond of is not ever talking to me.

George: Have you ever talked to her?

Krum: Well, no. I just pretend to study in the library when she's in there, and I watch her.

George: Woah, I had no idea that Krum was a stalker. You _do_ need therapy. Well, my remedy for you is to go transfigure your nose into a pig snout, and wear starfish instead of robes.

Krum: I'm not going to do that.

George: Well, that's the only way you're going to solve your problems.

I think we're done today, as there are no more champions to give therapy to – wait, I forgot about Diggory, the one who needs it the most.

George: Cedric Diggory, we need to have a little chat.

Cedric: Is your wand put away?

George: Yes, but why does that matter?

Cedric: I heard you're going to curse me because your girlfriend thinks I'm hot.

George: Rumours! Never trust them, 'specially since Helen doesn't think that. She just…doesn't. I'm here to give you therapy.

Cedric: Since when did I need therapy?

George: Since you were born. Now tell me your problems.

Cedric: I was supposed to be the only Hogwarts' champion, but Harry is one now too.

George: Yes, yes, we should just have you step down, and him do it all, don't you think?

Cedric: Not really.

George: Any other problems?

Cedric: Girls won't leave me alone, even though I have a girlfriend.

George: Well, I have a remedy for that!

Cedric: You do?

George: Wear only pink sequinned boxers and a tuxedo shirt every day for 12 days, and go on an all-onion diet, and boycott all personal hygiene.

Cedric: Wow, uh, that might actually work, but I'm not going to do that.

George: Don't walk away! You know you want to use the remedy!

Ask Ronnie 

Got questions about anything? Ask Ronald Weasley (who has taken over for Chel this week for untold reasons), slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 12. He'll give you all the answers!

Dear Ron,

There's this ghost, I'm not sure which one because I'm only a first year, but she keeps following me everywhere trying to get me to go into the girls' lavatory and stay with her in her u-bend in the toilet because she 'thinks I have a nice butt' or something. How can I get her to stop following me around? She's driving me nutters.

-Stalked by a Ghost

Dear Stalked,

Sounds like you have Moaning Myrtle on your tail; that must really suck. Just start making fun of her or something and she'll probably start leaving you alone. Throw a book through her stomach or maybe her head; that usually gets to her. (Plus it will probably give you a lot of props in the humour area…)

Dear Ron,

I have really bad BO (body odour) and I've tried all kinds of charms and junk but nothing works, got any suggestions?

-Stinky

Dear Stinky,

I've got just the remedy, just point your wand at wherever stinks and say the incantation "_Furnunculus_", trust me, your _smell_ will seem like the _smallest_ problem after that.

Dear Ron,

No matter what I do I can never sleep, and even if I ever do, I have these really weird dreams that end up coming true the very next day, it's really starting to creep me out. What can I do to stop them?

-Sleepless

Dear Sleepless,

Why don't you just make up with your best friend and everything will be all right!

HERMIONE, stop trying to write the column for me! MY advice is for you is well, you can't really do anything about it so just become a nutcase, kill a few people because you think they're trying to curse you, befriend Trelawney, and BOTH of you can go to Azkaban.

Dear Ron,

I'm totally in love with you! I know we've been friends for a few years, but I'd like to be much more…will you go make out with me RIGHT NOW?

-Hermione Granger

Dear George,

You're such an idiot. Go give _yourself _some therapy. I know Hermione would never write that, I'm not as stupid as you think I am.

Dear Ron,

Why did you take over for Chel? Is it because she's still mad at your stupid brother? Do you have any idea what's going on with them because it's really driving me nuts and neither of them will talk about it, I really don't think it's just about that fake stalker. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

Do you really think Chel, let alone Fred, would let me know what is going on with them? Even if I _did_ know I would be _killed_ if I told anyone, why don't you just go eat a pickle, Helen?

Dear Ron,

Why are you so in love with Hermione and won't admit it?

-Helen Pemberton

Dear Helen,

I TOLD YOU TO GO EAT A RUDDY PICKLE!

Dear Ron,

Don't you dare divulge that information about me and Fred! It's none of your business why _we're on a break_, OKAY!

-Chel

Dear Chel,

Why is it you and Fred go on a break and Helen and George just break up and then get back together? It's a little odd. And I wasn't going to tell anyone – yet.

Dear Ron,

George and I do not believe in taking breaks, if we're pissed off at each other enough to take a break, we _break up_.

-Helen

Dear Helen,

STOP WRITING ME! GO EAT A POISONED PICKLE!

Dear Ron,

If you really _do_ know why we're on a break, could you please tell me, because I don't even know myself? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG?

-Fred

Dear Fred,

HA!_ YOU_ don't even know what you did wrong? Wow, you ARE an idiot. You really have no clue that it could possibly have been last year when you sno – oh wait, I promised not to divulge that information, and _why am I helping YOU anyway_?

Dear Ron,

OH CRAP.

-Fred

The Lion's Mouth

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

Chel and Fred are still not on speaking terms. And they're on a break still. Trust me, it's definitely _not _just the stalker thing. It's on a much bigger level than that. She is not in the right – er – _condition_ to be writing the advice column at this moment, so Ickle Ronniekins Weasley has taken over it for now. He seems to actually know what Fred did, and I think Fred himself has now realised it, as he wrote OH CRAP when Ron started to say something about last year. Now, I think I know what it's about as well, but I cannot say. It's really just Chel and Fred's problem. Don't bug them about it.

Hermione wrote a letter to Ron professing her love to him. He says that it was actually George being an idiot, but I don't believe him. They're totally going to get together, and get married and have 12 redheaded bushy haired kids.

Lee Jordan technically has _two_ girlfriends. He's been bouncing back and forth between Alicia and Katie like a Ping-Pong ball. He's been seen with them so often, he might as well be making out with them at the same time. I highly doubt they're okay with this, but they seem quite oblivious. Of course, they might just be happy they get to snog Lee, although, I don't understand why…. George is much hotter….

People have been saying that they've seen me _with_ Fred, and George _with_ Chel. I'd like to squash this rumour _right now._ How can you bloody tell the difference, people? Unless you know them _very well_, there's no possible way you _could _tell. I know very well that Chel and George haven't been anywhere _near_ each other in that sense, and I, honestly, wouldn't even think about going near Fred, especially at this time in their relationship. The only way I'd ever snog Fred is if we'd had WAY too much Firewhisky, George and I weren't together, Chel and Fred weren't – er – together, and – actually I would NEVER DO THAT WITH FRED! Ew, I don't find him attractive in ANY WAY, which is actually quite odd because to the inexperienced eye they look almost exactly the same…

With the first task quickly coming closer, there have been several rumours flying about what it could be, although none seem plausible. More on this next week.


	11. issue 11

The Weekly Gryffindor Volume 1, Issue 11 I'm Sorry 

By Fred Weasley

Chel,

Considering you won't allow me to talk to you, I figured I would apologize with an article – and you can't get mad at me because it's not my fault you still read this crap – I mean, _newspaper_. I previously did a poll on how many people think you should forgive me and how many are idiots and think you shouldn't. Here are the results.

Fred: Hey, you!

Lavender Brown: What do you want now?

Fred: I was wondering if you think my girlfriend – yes, she's still my girlfriend, we're just on a break – should forgive me for mumbles what happened

Lavender: You did WHAT?

Fred: Now, it's really not as bad as it sounds, I mean, we _were_ technically on a break at that point in time and –

Lavender: YOU SICK PERV! SHE'D DO WELL TO DUMP YOU THIS SECOND!

Fred: Okay, next… Oi, Ron!

Ron: What?

Fred: Do you think Chel should forgive me?

Ron: Am I being quoted?

Fred: Er… I dunno, I edit some things.

Ron: Well, yeah, I guess, considering the House Elves would probably have to clean up my guts if I told you you're a back-stabbing, man-whore, okay?

Fred: See, Chel! Even Ron (who may I remind you has the sensitivity of a dung beetle) thinks you should forgive me! Next…

Myrtle: Oh no, not you… last time I saw you, you threw a book at my head.

Fred: No hard feelings, then? Myrtle leaves Okay – hey, Dean!

Dean: What? You aren't going to try and give me therapy again are you?

Fred: I think you mean George, and no, I just wanted to ask you mumbles So do you think she should forgive me?

Dean: Well, I've been in exactly your situation before, and I can't say I came out too clean, but we were snogging again by the end of the week. Actually, come to think of it, I've seen you 'in action' and I really think you should use a different technique, I can't even believe Angelina would snog with you the way you look like you attack the girl like a pack of wolves and –

Fred: I DON'T NEED SNOGGING ADVICE FROM A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD! calms himself so… do you think she should or not?

Dean: No, I really don't. But tell her I'm available at the moment.

Fred: WE ARE ON A BREAK! SHE'S STILL MY GIRLFRIEND YOU –--- (edited for profanity) Hey, Hermione-

Hermione: _What?_ annoyed

Fred: So – erm – do _you_ think she should forgive me?

Hermione: For what?

Fred: Well – I can't imagine you didn't overhear Ron's outbursts on the matter…

Hermione: No, actually, I didn't, I've been in the library and haven't seen him for a while.

Fred: _You've SEEN him lately, then? You've been SEEING him?_

Hermione: You Weasleys are all the same.

Fred: What is THAT supposed to mean?

Hermione: Well, whatever you did, it probably was terrible and so I really don't think she should forgive you…

Fred: Well, it's a good thing you don't know what I did then…

Hermione: I really couldn't care less.

Fred: Anyone have some ice? I just got burned… HEY, HELEN!

Helen: Go away, we're busy at the moment.

George: GET - OUT - NOW!

Fred: All right, all right, but – yes, or no?

George: I'm not marrying you, Fred, I told you already…goes back to snogging Helen

Fred: leaves I think I'd best find another victim – er, I mean, poll-answerer-type-person. Hey, you, girl with the hair!

Lana: Oh - voice raises a pitch it's _you_, what can I do to – I mean, FOR you?

Fred: Um – never mind.

Lana: No, really, are you doing more interviews?

Fred: Yeah, I was just going to ask you if you think Chel should forgive me, but…

Lana: Of course she shouldn't.

Fred: WHY!

Lana: Because then you'll get back together and I really don't think I'd like that, plus, I'm sure I could be just as great at snogging with a few _lessons_…

Fred: WE ARE ON A BREAK! WE AREN'T _APART_ HENCE, WE CAN'T GET BACK TOGETHER!

That's when I stopped interviewing people, as you can tell, but I really want to tell you I'm not a – what was that Ron said? A backstabbing man-whore, and – I don't really _attack_ you do I? Um, anyway, back to the point of this article: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry… get it? I really thought we were on a break last year. Plus, Angelina _honestly_ was no where near as good as – well, we can talk about that later…

Exclusive Interview with the Boy That Lived 

By George Weasley

I'm here with Harry Potter, the one they call The Boy That Lived, the Triwizard Champion for Hogwarts – er – one of them, at least…. And I got the rare chance to interview him…

Harry: This isn't rare. You practically interview me every week!

George: Ah, that I do, that I do….

Harry: As long as you don't start asking me stupid questions about your ex –

George: What the edited for profanity are you talking about?

Harry: You and Helen, she said you broke up again?

George: No we didn't. We've only broken up _once_. And then we got back together. Did you not just see us in that chair by the fire….well, I hope you _didn't _see that, because you shouldn't be seeing that, you have little virgin eyes….

Harry: speaking of virgins, are _you_ one?

George: Er – is it true that you cry over your parents' deaths still? Are you a crybaby or what? coughs wuss! coughs

Harry: You know I don't, you git.

George: so she made it up?

Harry: no, her quill did.

George: her _quill_? What kind of a sick metaphor is _that_?

Harry: You know, not everything is a metaphor…and I literally meant her _quill. _You know, that thing you write with? Of course, you wouldn't know, because you never do your homework, well, on your own. Doesn't Helen do it all for you?

George: Hey, at least I'm not cheating off of Hermione –

Harry: I do not!

George: and I get to snog my "tutor" on the side…

Harry: are you going to interview me or not?

George: Isn't that what you call what we're doing?

Harry: um…no, I'd call this a row.

George: Fine, whatever. So, Harry, what made you decide to enter the Triwizard Tournament?

Harry: Er – I didn't. I don't know _how _my name got in there, and – wait, you've asked me this before.

George: I have?

Harry: Yes, are you reading those off a piece of parchment?

George: _No. _How do you feel about the tasks ahead? Excited? Nervous?

Harry: Nervous, and these questions seem _really _familiar…

George: Champions have died in the past, haven't they? Have you thought about that at all?

Harry: Ok, these are way too familiar to be from you –

George: Of course, you've looked death in the face before, haven't you? How would you say that's affected you?

Harry: The reason why I'm famous, isn't it?

George: Do you think that the trauma in your past might have made you keen to prove yourself? To live up to your name? Do you think that perhaps you were tempted to enter the Tri –?

Harry: grabs parchment from George's hands I KNEW THESE SEEMED FAMILIAR! HOW'D YOU GET RITA SKEETER'S QUESTIONS FOR ME? YOU'RE SUCH A GIT!

George: Wait! You didn't answer the last on - Interrupted by a shoe being thrown at him from where Harry was standing across the room We're done with the interview, then?

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I am a Hufflepuff who came across your stupid newspaper the other day in the Great Hall, and your article had someone saying that they liked what they saw when a "certain professor's" robes disappeared the other day in class. And I have something to say to that person. PROFESSOR SNAPE IS _MY _SEXY BEAST! NO TOUCHY! I WILL HAVE HIM SOONER OR LATER! GET YOUR NASTY HANDS AWAY FROM HIM! Do you think that's clear enough?

-Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I'm sorry – did you say you were a _Hufflepuff? _Because I could swear you were a Slytherin with that nasty way of thinking. Let me just say this – EW EW EW EW! Go fix your deranged mind or decapitate yourself. You _do _know he's a Death Eater, right? _Ew._

Dear Chel,

Will you _please _just forgive Fred? He really misses you! And he keeps interrupting good snogging sessions between Helen and I too. And he really wants you back. You guys have been going out for effing six years. Just forgive him already, you git!

-George

Dear George,

Would you forgive Helen if she made out with Ron?

Dear Chel,

Why would Helen _ever_ make out with Ron? She thinks he's a stupid immature prat.

-George

Dear George,

Why would Fred ever make out with Angelina, then, eh? _She's not even pretty! She's a stupid horny slag!_

Dear Chel,

Did you just call me a horny slag?

-Angelina

Dear Angelina,

Yes, yes, I did. If you weren't one, then you would have told me about it, or you just WOULDN'T HAVE SNOGGED HIM AT ALL! I hope your happy, cause you've almost broken up Hogwarts longest lasting couple! Take that guilt train! I hope it crashes into a brick wall!

The Lion's Mouth

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

Chel and Fred are still not on speaking terms, and that's quite a surprise. Anyone would've bet that they would have been back together by last week. In fact, I _did _bet that, and now I owe Katie Bell two Galleons. This sucks. There are rumours that Chel's going to stage a fight with Angelina.

Alicia and Katie found out about Lee snogging them both constantly and are both not talking to him. Wonder where they found out about that? Hides from Lee in corner.

The house elves have been sniffing crack. Only joking, it's just slow this week.


	12. issue 12

The Weekly Gryffindor 

Volume 1, Issue 12

Interview with Chel

By Fred Weasley

I'm here _trying _to interview Chel. But she won't speak to me, so I'm going through Helen in these questions.

Fred: Are you ever gonna forgive me?

Helen: Chel says she might forgive you after you're dead.

Fred: Eep.

Helen: Oh yeah, and she also says she won't cry at your funeral.

Fred: Ouch. That brings moisture to one's eyes.

Helen: Chel says stop with the cheese.

Fred: Well, if you'd just listen to me, I could tell you the whole story…

Helen: Chel says she'd rather drink the most deadly poison on earth than listen to you describe your snogging session with Angelina.

Fred: Well, I can't force you to forgive me, but I think you should at least know what happened.

Angelina: Chel, I can't _believe _you of all people called _me _a horny slag!

Chel: What do you mean 'me of all people'?

Angelina: You can't tell me you've _never_ made out with somebody else without telling your boyfriend!

Fred: _What?_

Chel: You think I'm being a hypocrite? If I was that much of a bich, Fred'd never have gone out with me! I'm sorry you can't get a boyfriend, but keep you nasty lips off mine!

Angelina: Well it's not even your stupid boyfriend's fault. You're such a dolt. _I _came onto _him._

Chel: You slut! Punches Angelina in the nose

Fred: I was _trying _to tell you that all along! Yells over Chel and Angelina fighting

There was a bit of a fight that I'm not going into detail on, but just know Chel was the winner, and her and I enjoyed a little snog after. Details aren't to be disclosed. Sorry.

Couple Therapy

By George Weasley

I've decided to give couples some therapy. Here's what happened in some of the – er – sessions.

George: So, George…Helen….how is your relationship standing?

Helen: Oh my heck, George, are you _insane_?

George: So Helen thinks you're insane. Does that affect any… "fun" in your relationship?

Helen: WHAT? George, if you meant what I think you meant by "fun" you won't be having any!

George: it's not my fault, I'm a guy, we have a whole section of our brains dedicated to this stuff. It's psychologically impossible for me to _not _be horny.

Helen: Gawl, you're pissing me off, I'm leaving. smacks him upside the head

George: So, you just got back from a big fight. How do you feel about that?

Chel: Isn't that somewhat of a rhetorical question?

George: And how do you feel about that?

Fred: you pulled us out of our dorm for _this_?

George: and how do you feel about that?

Fred: I kinda want to tie you up and hang up from the dungeon ceiling and have skrewts eat you alive.

George: And how do you feel about that?

Chel: How do you _think_? I am leaving!

George: Hello, Ron. Hello, Hermione. It's nice to have to here today. Your relationship is one that needs a lot of therapy, so…yeah, here I am to give ya some therapy. So…how'd you two meet?

Ron: Our only relationship is _friendship_. You do know that, right?

George: We all know there's more there. So how do you feel about that?

Hermione: about what exactly?

George: About it being there, but you doing nothing about it…

Hermione: Are you a complete idiot or what?

Ron: He's a prat, not an idiot – well, actually, he's a little bit of both.

George: and how do you feel about that?

Ron: I feel like I don't want to know you.

George: and how do _you _feel about that?

Hermione: Go to St. Mungo's. Heaven knows that's where all the loony's go.

George: So you live there then?

Hermione: Huh?

George: What?

Ron: I think we're going to be leaving now…

Hermione: I think so as well.

George: yelling as they get up to leave AND HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

Hermione: ecstatic.

George: puzzled look on face

Ron: It means really happy.

George: And how do you feel about that?

Ask Chel 

Got questions about anything? Ask Chel Black-Lupin, slip the question on a piece of parchment under the door of the boy's dormitories, room 6. She'll give you all the answers…just don't be surprised if her advice is to move to Australia.

Dear Chel,

I have a busy job. There is a certain person who works with me, and I can't seem to get her to notice me . . . is there anything I should do?

Phoenix Man

Dear Phoenix Man,

Well, it sorta depends on how distant you are in your fields... actually I'm going to cut the crap and just tell you to go up to them and just strike up a conversation - and if they don't give a crap just deal - I mean, you like this person I'm assuming which is why you want her to notice you. sooo... MAKE her notice you.

Dear Chel,

I've tried to strike up a conversation with her, but I get so nervous, and I make a fool of myself. When I try to talk to her, everything I say comes out sounding like all I care about is my work, which I so do not. What can a man do to get his woman's attention? Must I dye my hair? Get a nose ring? A tattoo with her name spread out across my chest? Shall I announce it to the school – whoops – my bad.

-Phoenix Man

Dear Phoenix Man,

Find out what her interests are and just go up to her and strike up a conversation. Not that hard. If she likes Quidditch, just go up to her and ask her how she thought the game went last Saturday or so…

Dear Chel,

I have problem, I ate all my friends' blow-pops. Should I buy some more? Or should I just pretend it wasn't me?

-Blow-Pop Fanatic

Dear Fanatic,

First of all, what the heck are blow pops? Secondly, If you ate your friend's food, then just replace it.

Dear Chel,

Where's Australia?

-Lost

Dear lost,

What is wrong with you? Honestly, how can you _not _know where it is? Have you never seen a hot Aussie boy? Buy a map.

Dear Chel,  
My dad's name is Chuck, and he takes offense to the saying "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood". Should I say it to annoy him over and over again and tell him to deal with it, or should I just shut up?

-Woody

Dear Woody,

Just shut up.

Dear Chel,

If I don't understand the concept of being gullible, does that make me stupid?

-Ponder

Dear Ponder,

How can you not understand the concept of gullible? Yes, you're stupid.

Dear Chel,

I have been admiring this guy that I like and work with from afar. We have worked together for – a while now, and I don't know how to get his attention. What should I do?

-Gryffindor Mama

Dear Gryffindor Mama,

Are you in love with Phoenix Man? Cause if you are, just go tell him. People are so stupid now. It's the modern age, just TELL HIM.

Dear Chel,

I've developed a crushe on a certain red-head named Fred (hehehe that rymed!) He is soooo hot! Just like his hare! Ohhh I think I'm in loove with him. What should I dhoo?

-Hufflepuff Baybe

Dear Hufflepuff _babe_,

Um, first of all, get away from my man. If you even touch him, or get near him I will shoot you with a Muggle thing called a gun and you will _die_. Second of all, LEARN HOW TO SPELL, you dolt.

Dear Chel,

I would like to improve my comprehension of knowledge by enhancing my vocabulary. Could you please recommend me a thesaurus or vocabulary list that I may study?

-Smart "Donkey"

Dear Smart,

If you're smart, haven't you ever heard of a _library_? Go there.

Dear Chel,

Talk dirty to me.

-You-Know-Who

Dear You-Know-Who,

This is a newspaper, Fred. I'm not going to do _that_ publicly. Meet me later.

The Lion's Mouth

This is Helen Pemberton, with the gossip column, telling you everything that goes on in the school that's worth knowing about… If you have anything to put in the gossip column and I actually don't know about it, write it on a slip of parchment and put it under the door of the Boy's side of the dorms, room number 6.

Chel Black-Lupin and Fred Weasley are back together. Shocker. On a relating note, Angelina looks…er…a little beat up…laughs maniacally Wonder why.

Katie and Lee are at it again! I saw them snogging instead of going to their DADA class. And of course, _I_ actually went to my classes that day…looks around for teachers and sees none No I didn't! _Shh!_

This week has no good gossip…but the 1st task is coming up, and that'll get some news! There have actually been rumours of books about dragons being checked out of the library…wonder if some people have broken the rules and found out what the task is…


End file.
